On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
