I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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