I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
