My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
