I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
