the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
This is my gift to your gina
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
