I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Michael Bay diarrhea
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Randomize
