Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
