nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
