There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
