Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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