when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
