Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
