i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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