Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
