Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
