Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm like, not good at living.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
