ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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