I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
