I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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