So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
