Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
