Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
