My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
