Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
