sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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