I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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