For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
