On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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