That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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