I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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