i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
