I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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