I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
being pregnant is like rehab
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
