I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
