Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
No subtext here. People are naked.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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