you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
