obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
