i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
