The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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