I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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