I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize