First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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