his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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