I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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