his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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