One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
