Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
you made out with another girl for some wings
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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