My Higher Power is John Stamos
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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