I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
