Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
