I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You're a waste of cheezeits
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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