she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
