he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
