Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
