i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize