i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
