i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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