sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
