Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
