well I can't set my house on fire every night
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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